⚠️ cathartic
⚠️ trigger warning for suicide ideation
one word comes to mind and it's the word cathartic,
it's cathartic isnt it?
it worms itself into my brain and lodges itself stuck, left repeating in the back of my mind like a broken record player as i tear up my shoulder and my ankle. i can't ever wear sleeveless shirts.
i haven't found the passion to pick up a pencil and draw what i want to draw anymore. everything is so dull. don't be surprised if i just disappear one of these days.
normally, i wouldn't air out these grievances on the public for everyone to see, though one would reckon this is a cry for help. i don't think i can keep it under wraps anymore.
it's morbidly funny that i've gone through so much worse and yet this is what decides to kick me down. i was doing so much better. at least i thought i was.
muster all the strength i can, i cannot call the crisis hotline because what are you even supposed to do when the people who are supposed to help you hang up on you?
my parents think i self harm as a form of attention seeking. why on God's green earth would i want your attention? it's the complete opposite- i try to hide this as best as i can. im trying my best. my best is not enough.
i don't know where i'm going with this. its just me writing down what i feel.
freedom, i used to think it was the one thing that can save me, but then i realize with the state im currently in, i wouldn't even know what to do with freedom.
here i am, stuck in the body that is actively trying to work against me. these days i find myself fantasizing that i fall severely ill and just pass away naturally. a selfish thought, but it is within human nature to be selfish.
watching too much Ask-A-Mortician made me reflect on post-mortem things. i joke to myself that a part of the reason i don't just kick the bucket is that "my family would get no monetary benefits out of it and all it would do is make financial problems worse"
these thoughts and feelings will pass and sometimes they will come back stronger than ever. and for now im just being dramatic. in fact, in three years time, i will look back at this post and think i am a dumbass for ever writing this.
i don't think people would be surprised if i just up and left one day with no trace. one of my biggest fears is being forgotten, though interestingly enough i want people to actively forget that i exist.
december has been terrible. last year, and this year, and last last year. every time new year's eve rolls around i think about how young me never expected to even live this long.
"every one, around the world, celebrates your birthday, so be happy" how am i going to be happy when all i remember of my birthday is misery lately. it's always financial issues that or other stuff.
i'm still haunted by the way i could have died a year ago. wandering on the train tracks in broad daylight with not a single soul to see or warn me. surrounded by nature and green. it was peaceful. if i had stayed on that track for just one more minute. just one more minute. that "what-if" fucks me up a little bit.
now all i see are buildings construction and urbanization the train isnt even there anymore and there's no life or grass to be seen in that area now and its only been a few months i can't believe how fast time flies by
id rather die than discuss all these issues swimming in my head to somebody but i envy people who can speak their mind freely to another person like this.