🌧️ VENT - going through it
people expect so much of me, i just want to run away and disappear into the night - free from what they want me to be.
even my own expectations for myself are too high. "why cant i just do this? im not good enough."
the figment of their imagination of what they want me to be. when they're met with reality, i only see disappointment in the way their eyes drop and the way their eyebrows furrow.
in philosophy, for an activity, they proposed the question:
"on what things do you want to feel the freedom?"
i answered, verbatim:
For the longest time in my life, I had felt caged; trapped in a box of others expectations of me. Be a good child, study well - "oh, you're so smart for your age" - smile and keep appearances, and, you were good at this subject before, so why are you failing now?" and to be nice, lest forbid your relatives think you're stuck-up and that would give the family a bad reputation, then its: "why are you like this? you have nothing to be depressed over."
Growing up and still, to this day, I like to think of my life as sheltered. Not in the sense of innocence, rather, that I was never allowed to go outside with friends, roam the world - or even explore town.
Stuck inside a room with walls too small, lights too dim and the only brightness coming from my computer screen. The only place I could express myself was through the internet, and I fear I have grown emotionally stunted as its effect.
Even clothes-shopping, my mother dictates what I should or should not wear. She tells me a lot I am her but with a prettier face. Perhaps she's projecting onto me, what she could have lived in her childhood but I am not her. I will never be her.
I understand where she comes from, but I always feel like I am not in control of my own life. I yearn for the day I can truly find my sense of self, and be able to express who I am. But when will I ever achieve that? I could barely bring myself to come out to her. None of my family will accept me. And I don't expect them to any time soon.
30 Nov, 2024 7:49 pm
bittersweet. mood for today: