⚠️ self inflicted achromatic
⚠️ triggering topics ahead. warning for suicide, self harm
google play I Think I'm Going To Kill Myself by Elton John
if i could just disappear and die without a trace and wiped out of peoples memories if people just forgot about me and my name thatd be so much nicer but theres always going to be somebody waiting back at home. i cant even bother looking presentable for tomorrow i decide to cut my wrists my shoulders and my ankle the day i have to keep up appearances i want to pull out my hair i want to bury myself under the soil and let the maggots eat me alive and let the dirt muffle my screams i want my liver failure to kick in early after all the overdose attempts i made and i have never wanted something so visceral before other than to kill myself before. its such a painful nagging urge. i cant walk into traffic, thatd get somebody else involved. i dont want anybody to be involved. i want to pass away peacefully. dying is easy living is harder — then im a coward, i want the easy way out I HOPE the jaundice comes back i want to give away all my material possessions so that at least somebody else gets benefits from it
from the age of 7 i put an expiry date on myself - i will never live past 20. itd be a miracle if i did. it keeps ticking closer and closer and my time will be up soon and still after all these years of extensive planning of countless suicide notes ready i still cant decide on a way to go out.
nobody fucking likes me they have to lie to me and pretend that they do because im just an insufferable piece of shit. im obnoxious weird and loud and annoying and i wish i werent all these things i wish i were likable no amount of talent or sucking up will get people to like me and i dont normally give a shit about what other people think of me but ive never felt more alone and friendless in my entire life despite being surrounded by so many of my beloved friends I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME can somebody just fix me and explain why my instinct is to drift away from the people that care about me. my brain actively works against me i dont know what i feel but i feel so alone and i must be ill
fucking pathetic how im crying here at 4 pm after having an okay day at school but god i want to die i cant keep up this farce anymore one of these days before my birthday i will kill myself my head's so loud i just want it to SHUT THE FUCK UP
if the knives we had werent so dull i would have slit my throat at this rate i would have stabbed myself right in the heart i feel like utter shit
i just want someone to care in some way butat the same time i dont want them to care